Not taking action.

Scratch the last post. I gave in almost immediately. You win.

Taking action

Today, I decided to stop sitting around while our relationship fell apart. While Melissa keeps refusing to ever do anything with me, here is what she keeps saying:

• She is scared of her Dad saying “no.”
• There is nothing to do (even though I provided a long list of ideas).
• “We don’t have to go on dates all the time.” I need to point out here that the last time we did anything together was a month ago. I am asking for another date now. One date a month does not seem like all the time to me…

Okay, so now I am taking action.

1. I will not give her the Valentine’s Day gift I have for her until she spends more time with me.
2. I will not text her until she spends more time with me.

My reasoning is that love is not a one-way street. I do not deserve to be the only participant in this relationship. If she refuses to participate, then all she wants is someone to say “I love you” to someone who will say it back. So until she decides to participate, it’s tough love.

Good move? Bad move? We’ll see.

More trouble…

Melissa says she will not ask her Dad if we can do anything together anymore because she is afraid of being told “no.” So we were arguing over this, and she says we don’t need bonding time.

Honestly, I feel like I’ve been dumped.

Contemplating suicide… I won’t do it though…

A good day!

I was right yesterday when I predicted that today would be a better day.

I stayed home from school and took a mental health day, so I am feeling very refreshed. It enabled me to get a full night’s sleep for the first time in a long time. I woke up happy and stayed happy all day.

Things with Melissa are still rough though, because that stupid rule is still in play. I hate it so much. But oh well, I guess I get no choice in the matter.

I also have a massive headache, but I am told that is because my eyes are so poor. My glasses are supposed to arrive any day now. I am going to look like an idiot wearing them.

Anyways, a good day! Finally!

I don’t even know

Throughout this conversation I have only been starting to feel even worse.

Raise your hand if you lost hope in yourself a long time ago.

*I quietly raise my hand.*

Today’s… night?

I am talking to Melissa right now. That is good. That is good. But the conversation is kind of… Not there. I feel like exploding in tears… I am not going to.

I ate spaghetti. It was good. I think life is like spaghetti… You get something completely plain–neither good nor bad. Then you add your own ingredients to make it your own, so it will be good for you. Unless the waiter drops it before it gets to the table. Then it can suck.

That is all.

Today’s day

Today was one of my worst days. I was in a bad mood from the start. I was not grumpy or anything like that, but I felt very, very “down.” I was just sad and unhappy.

I love Melissa. She wanted to make me happy. She wanted to know what was wrong and fix it. I would not tell her… I did not want her to know why I am so down and unhappy and what I was thinking.

The reason I was so down is because of this damn texting rule we are arguing about. It is hurting me. And of course, she kept asking what I did all weekend… I could not say, “I created a blog that I am hiding from you and the rest of my family and friends where I am going to write about my struggles with depression. My new name is Erasmas, and yours is Melissa.”

All in all, an awful day. I smiled once or twice because she forced me to, but that was it. Maybe tomorrow will be better.