Not taking action.

Scratch the last post. I gave in almost immediately. You win.

Taking action

Today, I decided to stop sitting around while our relationship fell apart. While Melissa keeps refusing to ever do anything with me, here is what she keeps saying:

• She is scared of her Dad saying “no.”
• There is nothing to do (even though I provided a long list of ideas).
• “We don’t have to go on dates all the time.” I need to point out here that the last time we did anything together was a month ago. I am asking for another date now. One date a month does not seem like all the time to me…

Okay, so now I am taking action.

1. I will not give her the Valentine’s Day gift I have for her until she spends more time with me.
2. I will not text her until she spends more time with me.

My reasoning is that love is not a one-way street. I do not deserve to be the only participant in this relationship. If she refuses to participate, then all she wants is someone to say “I love you” to someone who will say it back. So until she decides to participate, it’s tough love.

Good move? Bad move? We’ll see.

More trouble…

Melissa says she will not ask her Dad if we can do anything together anymore because she is afraid of being told “no.” So we were arguing over this, and she says we don’t need bonding time.

Honestly, I feel like I’ve been dumped.

Contemplating suicide… I won’t do it though…

A good day!

I was right yesterday when I predicted that today would be a better day.

I stayed home from school and took a mental health day, so I am feeling very refreshed. It enabled me to get a full night’s sleep for the first time in a long time. I woke up happy and stayed happy all day.

Things with Melissa are still rough though, because that stupid rule is still in play. I hate it so much. But oh well, I guess I get no choice in the matter.

I also have a massive headache, but I am told that is because my eyes are so poor. My glasses are supposed to arrive any day now. I am going to look like an idiot wearing them.

Anyways, a good day! Finally!

I don’t even know

Throughout this conversation I have only been starting to feel even worse.

Raise your hand if you lost hope in yourself a long time ago.

*I quietly raise my hand.*

Today’s… night?

I am talking to Melissa right now. That is good. That is good. But the conversation is kind of… Not there. I feel like exploding in tears… I am not going to.

I ate spaghetti. It was good. I think life is like spaghetti… You get something completely plain–neither good nor bad. Then you add your own ingredients to make it your own, so it will be good for you. Unless the waiter drops it before it gets to the table. Then it can suck.

That is all.

Today’s day

Today was one of my worst days. I was in a bad mood from the start. I was not grumpy or anything like that, but I felt very, very “down.” I was just sad and unhappy.

I love Melissa. She wanted to make me happy. She wanted to know what was wrong and fix it. I would not tell her… I did not want her to know why I am so down and unhappy and what I was thinking.

The reason I was so down is because of this damn texting rule we are arguing about. It is hurting me. And of course, she kept asking what I did all weekend… I could not say, “I created a blog that I am hiding from you and the rest of my family and friends where I am going to write about my struggles with depression. My new name is Erasmas, and yours is Melissa.”

All in all, an awful day. I smiled once or twice because she forced me to, but that was it. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Some thoughts

Random thoughts…

• I haven’t really spoken to Melissa in days… We are currently locked in a battle over a stupid texting rule… It is not a heated battle of anger, but neither one of us wants to give in… What happened? We never used to fight like this. It used to be that even though I am flawed, I was good enough. But now, all I ever get is criticism. And I am sure that from her perspective, I’m a terrible boyfriend, and not worth the trouble. I hate it. I only want her to be happy. That is my highest priority in life: her happiness. I do not make her happy. I can never satisfy or please her. It is all because I am a complete and total failure. I can never do anything right. I am lucky to have her now… It is only a matter of time before she realizes how much better she could do, and she leaves me. 😥
• Much of my time lately has been spent contemplating suicide. I am not going to do it; I promised her I wouldn’t, and I would never break a promise to her. But still, I am completely depressed. I wish I could do it…
• I can’t ever sleep. It’s 3:34 am here. I tried sleeping, I really did, but as usual it failed to work. I have always had problems sleeping. It just makes me more unhappy and stressed out and depressed.
• I always look for things to do that distract me from my depression. They never work in the long term, but they are a good coping mechanism for the short term. I wish I could learn Latin or Greek, but that’s really something you need to take a class to learn correctly. I tried learning Swedish with a book/audio program, but I wasn’t able to stick with it. If I had a class, I am sure I could do it.
• Millions of people are going to die if and when the Muslim Brotherhood takes control of Egypt. They are warning of war with Israel. They have already murdered many innocent people. What is the world coming to? America is facing a situation they have never faced before, which is that in the future we may find that we are the minority not only in population but also in power. The radicals that have hijacked the Islamic nations of the world are growing, and soon we will see that the threat is bigger than anything we have ever seen before. I am not a fan of hegemony. Unless it’s my hegemony. And that certainly isn’t my hegemony.

Granddad

I never met my Dad in real life. I have only talked to him through text for a year now. My Grandfather, therefore, was always the father figure of my life.

I can say without a doubt that he is the smartest person I know. He has done so much to raise this family. I am very close to him. I spend every weekend at his house.

Unfortunately, he has diabetes. A year ago he lost his right leg due to that and many other problems (including “end stage of heart failure,” awful vascular problems, etc.) During the surgery, the hospital left a sponge in him. They had to have another surgery to take it out. The long-term effect of that was that he became infected. So he just had another surgery a week ago to take off the infected part of his stump.

They keep finding more and more problems. He may become a double-amputee and he has been to the brink of total loss more than once.

I don’t know what I’d do without him, and I am always worried that someday I’ll find out.

Where I am now…

I have been dating the most wonderful girl in the world (we’ll call her Melissa) since last August, so about six months now. I love her more than anything.

I met her due to politics. I had started a Conservatives club at my school, and she had joined. Her father is a state politician. I started volunteering for his campaign, which led to us getting to know each other and spending time together. Eventually we started deliberately spending time together just because we wanted to, no politics involved. We were best friends for a long time, and then I took the initiative and kissed her. We have been together ever since, and there is no doubt in my mind that I love her.

The problem is, recently, I feel as though she has been losing interest. I know, every man in the world tells the same story, and they all insist, “But I really do love her!” I know, I’m just some kid who doesn’t know what love means.

No. Wrong. That’s not how this works. I know what I feel. I love her. I would die for her any day. Even days like this, where I feel like she is pulling away from me.

We have a lot of stress in our relationship. Her parents don’t want us to be together. We have differing views on religion, and while we both agree that we have the right to believe what we want, the tension is sometimes overbearing. Also, my depression is a major problem. I would like to change that, but I don’t know how.

I love her. I don’t want to lose her. If I do, then my life is over.